Keep'Em in Stitches ' Not Getting Any Younger'

As we get older , we tend to slow down . One day a man stepped on a snail , and his friend asked him why he did that . He said , "That thing has been following me round all day long ."

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A widow went to a nursing home , saw a man , and said , "You look like my third husband ." He said , "How many times have you been married ?" She said , "Twice ."

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A man said he knew he was getting older when he realized the little old gray-headed lady I was helping across the street was my wife .

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Just before the funeral services , the understaker went up to the very elderly widow and asked , " How old was your husband ?" "Ninety-eight ," she replied , "Two years older than me ." "So you're ninety-six ," the undertaker commented . She replied , "Hardly worth going back home , is it ?"

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Reporters , interviewing a 104-year-old woman : "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104 ?" rhe reporter asked . The old woman replied , "No peer pressure ."

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An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher that she had two final requests : first , she wanted to be cremated ; and second , she wanted her ashes scattered over the Wal-Mart parking lot . "Wal-Mart !" the preacher exclaimed , "why Wal-Mart ?" She answered , "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me at least twice a week !"

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I've sure gotten old ! I've had two bypass surgeries , a hip replacement and new knees . I fought prostate cancer and diabetes . I'm half blind , can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine , take forty different medications that make me dizzy , winded and subject to blackouts . I've had bouts with dementia , have poor circulation , and can hardly feel my hands and feet anymore . I can't remember if I'm 85 or 92 , I've lost all my friends . But , thank God , I still have my drivers licence .

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I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape , so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising . I decided to take an aerobic class for seniors . I bent , twisted , gyrayed , jumped up and down and perspired for almost an hour . And by the time I got my leotards on , the class was over !

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Little Johnny said , "My Uncle George is real consistent . He goes to the bathroom every morning at 7 a.m. The problem is he doesn't get up until 9 a.m.

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A smile is a cruve that sets a lot of things straight .

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Laughter is the shortest distance between two people .

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If you aim at nothing , you will hit it every time .