Keep'Em in Stitches ' Even Stranger Folk'

There was a crazy man who came knocking at a door at 3: a.m. , waking a couple up . The man of the house went and opened the door . "The man standing on the outside said , "I need a push."

The sleepy man quickly shut the door in his facee abd went back to bed . His wife said , "Honey do you remember the time we needed a push and someone came to help us ?"

Feeling badly , the man got back up and went to the door , but he couldn't see the crazy guy . So he called out , "Where are you ? Are you out here ?" And a man's voice came from a swing out in the yard saying , "I need a push ."

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Two hippies woke up in the hosiptal . One looked at the other and said , "Man , didn't you see that Wall?" The other said , "I saw the wall , but I didn't know I was driving ."

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So far today I've done all right . I haven't gossiped , I haven't lost my temper , I haven't been greedy , grumpy , nasty , selfish or over indulgent . I'm really glad about all that . But in a few mintues , God , I'm going to get out of bed . From then on , I'm probably going to need a lot more help .

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A fellow came up to a man on the street and asked if he wanted to be a Jehov an Witness . The man said , "I didn't even see the accident ."

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A funeral procession was carrying a casket to the grave site for a funeral . When they went around a corner the bac k door came open , the casket came out , slid across the street and through the door of a pharmacy . The lid flew open , and the man sat up and said , "You got something to stop this Coffin ?"

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A woman came up to the checkout counter and asked if she could buy half a head of cabbage because she couldn't afford a whole head . The checkout boy said , "I don't know , I'll go ask the manager ."

Without his knowledge , the woman followed him . He told the manager , "There some idiot up there who wants to buy half a head of cabbage ." Then he noticed the woman was right behind him and said , "And this nice lady wants to buy the other half ."

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A slightly large lady went into a bank in northern Mississippi . At the front was a newfangled scale with a robotic voice that spoke out how much you weigh . This lady got in line behind a man and woman to try it out . When the man got on the scale it said , "One hundred ninety-two pounds ." Next the woman got on and it said , "One hundred twenty-four pounds ," When the large lady stepped on the scale , a voice boomed out , "One at a time please ."

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A new maid came for the first time to clean house . The housewife said , "I can write my name in the dust on the piano ." The maid said , "oh my , it must be wonderful to have an education ."

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The ship captain had worked his way up through the ranks and became successful . One of his young sailors decided to watch him closely and follow him around to learn how he became successful .

After several months of watching , he determined that the captain went to his cabin every morning , got a piece of paper out , read it , and ten went on with his day . One morning the young sailor decided to look and see what was on the paper . It read , "Port is on the left , Starboard on the right ."

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A woman got on the plane with a baby . There was a parrot on the plane that said , "That is the ugliest baby I have ever seen ." The woman was furious .

She was so mad she turned red in the face and grumbled as she sat down next to a man . The man could see she was mad about something because she kept saying that she was going to see the captain .

After awhile , the man said to her , "You go ahead and talk to the captain . I'll hpld your monkey for you ."

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A fanatic is someone who redoubles his effort after he's lost his sense of vision .

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Humor is funny business . It'll get them laughing . Then you can hit them in the teeth without bustin' their lip .