Monday, April 2, 2012

Keep'Em in Stitches ' Even Stranger Folk'


There was a crazy man who came knocking at a door at 3: a.m. , waking a couple up . The man of the house went and opened the door . "The man standing on the outside said , "I need a push."
The sleepy man quickly shut the door in his facee abd went back to bed . His wife said , "Honey do you remember the time we needed a push and someone came to help us ?"
Feeling badly , the man got back up and went to the door , but he couldn't see the crazy guy . So he called out , "Where are you ? Are you out here ?" And a man's voice came from a swing out in the yard saying , "I need a push ."
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Two hippies woke up in the hosiptal . One looked at the other and said , "Man , didn't you see that Wall?" The other said , "I saw the wall , but I didn't know I was driving ."
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So far today I've done all right . I haven't gossiped , I haven't lost my temper , I haven't been greedy , grumpy , nasty , selfish or over indulgent . I'm really glad about all that . But in a few mintues , God , I'm going to get out of bed . From then on , I'm probably going to need a lot more help .
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A fellow came up to a man on the street and asked if he wanted to be a Jehov an Witness . The man said , "I didn't even see the accident ."
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A funeral procession was carrying a casket to the grave site for a funeral . When they went around a corner the bac k door came open , the casket came out , slid across the street and through the door of a pharmacy . The lid flew open , and the man sat up and said , "You got something to stop this Coffin ?"
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A woman came up to the checkout counter and asked if she could buy half a head of cabbage because she couldn't afford a whole head . The checkout boy said , "I don't know , I'll go ask the manager ."
Without his knowledge , the woman followed him . He told the manager , "There some idiot up there who wants to buy half a head of cabbage ." Then he noticed the woman was right behind him and said , "And this nice lady wants to buy the other half ."
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A slightly large lady went into a bank in northern Mississippi . At the front was a newfangled scale with a robotic voice that spoke out how much you weigh . This lady got in line behind a man and woman to try it out . When the man got on the scale it said , "One hundred ninety-two pounds ." Next the woman got on and it said , "One hundred twenty-four pounds ," When the large lady stepped on the scale , a voice boomed out , "One at a time please ."
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A new maid came for the first time to clean house . The housewife said , "I can write my name in the dust on the piano ." The maid said , "oh my , it must be wonderful to have an education ."
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The ship captain had worked his way up through the ranks and became successful . One of his young sailors decided to watch him closely and follow him around to learn how he became successful .
After several months of watching , he determined that the captain went to his cabin every morning , got a piece of paper out , read it , and ten went on with his day . One morning the young sailor decided to look and see what was on the paper . It read , "Port is on the left , Starboard on the right ."
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A woman got on the plane with a baby . There was a parrot on the plane that said , "That is the ugliest baby I have ever seen ." The woman was furious .
She was so mad she turned red in the face and grumbled as she sat down next to a man . The man could see she was mad about something because she kept saying that she was going to see the captain .
After awhile , the man said to her , "You go ahead and talk to the captain . I'll hpld your monkey for you ."
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A fanatic is someone who redoubles his effort after he's lost his sense of vision .
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Humor is funny business . It'll get them laughing . Then you can hit them in the teeth without bustin' their lip .

2 comments:

  1. I like that sassy-mouthed maid.She was quick on the draw.
    Those little Chinese guys in the picture remind me of Nana.

    Hahahahaha!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Nana's gonna spank your musty butt because I'm gonna tell .

    [giggles and more giggles]
    Hahahahaha

    ReplyDelete

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