Monday, April 16, 2012

Keep'Em in Stitches 'Growing Old'

Growing old might not be fun , but it sure can be funny !
"Mature" is great for cheeses and wines , but sometimes it's good to let the kid inside us have some fun .
Debbie and Phil were sitting in the living room watching the tube when he said to her , "Just so you know , I never want to live in a vegetable state , dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle . If that ever happens , just pull the plug ."
She got up , unplugged the TV , and threw his beer out the window .
It hurts when you first notice that it had been a while since you was asked for I.D. to purchase alcohol .
Now it hurts because you realize it has been a while since anyone has asked you to show your I.D. to receive the Senior Special Discount .
A boy goes to spend the night with his grandparents . His grandfather goes to bed early , but his grandmother wants him to stay up and watch a movie with her .
She sends the boy upstairs to put on his pajamas . When the boy comes down , his eyes are as big as saucers .
"I looked in your bedroom on the way down , and now I know why grandpa was so happy to go to sleep early . Boy , the Tooth Fairy is going to be surprise tonight whan she sees what he left her on the nightstand !"
"Why didn't someone tell me that when you get older , you go through the terrible twos again ? Now I have two chins , two spare tires and two really big ears .
Four retired guys are walking down a street in Chicago when they turn a corner and see a sign that says , "old Timers' Bar . ALL DRINKS : Ten Cents !"
They looked at eack other , and then went in . The bartender says , "What'll it be gentlemen ?"
It seems to be a fully stocked bar , so the four men each asked for a martini . In short order , the bartender serves up four iced martinis and says , "That'll be ten cents each , please ."
They can't believe their good luck, plucking down four dimes .
Finally , one of the men can't stand it any longer and asks the bartender , "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime each ?"
"Well I always wanted to own a bar . Last year I hit the lottery for $25 million and opened this place . Every drink costs a dime ... wine , liquor , beer , all the same ."
"WOW!! That's something ," says one of the men . The four of them can't help notice three old guys at the end of the bar who don't have drinks and aren't ordering anything .
"What's with them ?"
The bartender says , "Oh , they're seniors up from florida . They are still waiting for half-off happy hour .
An elderly gentleman is attending a singles mixer at a senior center , and he approaches a woman to speak to her .
At a loss for words , he falls back on what seems to be one of his old standbys : "So tell me , do I come here often ?"
***********What was that question again ?
An extemerly elderly couple had been dating for over six years . The gentleman finally decided to ask his girlfriend to marry him .
She immediately accepted his proposal .
He went home happy . The next morning , however , he couldn't remember not only her answer , but also whether or not he had actually asked her , Very awkwaed indeed !
He drank almost an entire pot of coffee trying to remember , but it was no use , he would have to call her and ask her outright , as embarassing as it would be .
"Oh , I am glad you called ," she exclaimed . "Iremembered saying 'yes' to someone about something , but I couldn't remember to whom or about what !"
****************The Sum of Her Parts
Helen went in for a doctor's appointment , and was told she should probably have her knee replaced . The news sent her into a tizzy .
"What do you mean , have my knee replaced ? I've already had both hips repkaced , one knee replace , and a heart valve repkaced . Even my teeth have been replaced . Pretty soon , there will be nothing left of me !
"Anything else you want to replace , doctor , or will this do it ?"
As she got upset , Helen's face got more and more red , and she began to sweat .
"Well, while we're on the subject , we might think about replacing some of those hormones ...."

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