Keep'Em in Stitches ' Not Getting Any Younger'

As we get older , we tend to slow down . One day a man stepped on a snail , and his friend asked him why he did that . He said , "That thing has been following me round all day long ."

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A widow went to a nursing home , saw a man , and said , "You look like my third husband ." He said , "How many times have you been married ?" She said , "Twice ."

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A man said he knew he was getting older when he realized the little old gray-headed lady I was helping across the street was my wife .

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Just before the funeral services , the understaker went up to the very elderly widow and asked , " How old was your husband ?" "Ninety-eight ," she replied , "Two years older than me ." "So you're ninety-six ," the undertaker commented . She replied , "Hardly worth going back home , is it ?"

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Reporters , interviewing a 104-year-old woman : "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104 ?" rhe reporter asked . The old woman replied , "No peer pressure ."

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An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher that she had two final requests : first , she wanted to be cremated ; and second , she wanted her ashes scattered over the Wal-Mart parking lot . "Wal-Mart !" the preacher exclaimed , "why Wal-Mart ?" She answered , "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me at least twice a week !"

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I've sure gotten old ! I've had two bypass surgeries , a hip replacement and new knees . I fought prostate cancer and diabetes . I'm half blind , can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine , take forty different medications that make me dizzy , winded and subject to blackouts . I've had bouts with dementia , have poor circulation , and can hardly feel my hands and feet anymore . I can't remember if I'm 85 or 92 , I've lost all my friends . But , thank God , I still have my drivers licence .

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I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape , so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising . I decided to take an aerobic class for seniors . I bent , twisted , gyrayed , jumped up and down and perspired for almost an hour . And by the time I got my leotards on , the class was over !

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Little Johnny said , "My Uncle George is real consistent . He goes to the bathroom every morning at 7 a.m. The problem is he doesn't get up until 9 a.m.

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A smile is a cruve that sets a lot of things straight .

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Laughter is the shortest distance between two people .

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If you aim at nothing , you will hit it every time .

Keep'Em in Stitches ' Money , Money , Money

Hey G . , are you winning yet ? Come take a look at this chick ...'WOW' take a look at those tits.

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Two men was talking . One said , "I'll give a hundred dollars if someone would do my worrying for me ."
The other man said , "You're own . Where is the hundred dollars ?
The first man said , That's your first worry ."

A man in the restaurant asked the waiter how much the average tip was .
The waiter said , "$5." So the man finished his dinner and handed the waiter $5.
The waiter looked shocked and surprised , so the man asked , "What's wrong ? I thought you said the average tip was $5 dollars ." The waiter replied , "Yes it is , but you're the first one to come up wirh the average ."

A man's father had died , and his son was going thrrough his clothes and found a ticket for shoe repair from back in the 50s . Being a thrifty man , he set out to find the shop . When he got there , a little old man was at the counter . He showed him the ticket , and the little man said , "Yes , they will be ready on Tuesday .

Two cousins from Louisiana ... Boudreaux and Thibodeaux ... lost their job at a women's undergarment factory . At an interview for unemployment , Boudreaux was asked by the interviewer , "What did you do ?" He said , "Sew wlestic in women under clothes ." The enterviewer said , "You get $150 for unskilled labor .
Then came Thibodeaux's turn . When he was asked , "What did you do ?"He said , "I was a diesel fitter ."
The enterviewer said , "You get $300." Boudreaux became quite upset because his cousin received more money .He said all Thildeaux did was to hold the undergarments up and say , "Dees'll fit her ."

A stingy old lawyer who was dianosed with a terminal illness didn't believe the saying , "You can't take it with you." So he told his wife to go down to the bank , fill up a pillowcase full of money , and put it directly over his bed in the attic . When he died , he could grab the money on his way to heaven.
Well , after he died , his wife was cleaning the attic and found still there . She said , "I knew all along I should have put that money in the basement ."

A gorilla walked into a drug store and ordered a $1 milkshake and put $10 on the counter . The clerk thought to himself , 'What does a gorilla know about money ," so he gave him $1 dollar back in change . The clerk said , "You know we don't get many gorillas in here." The gorilla said , "It's no wonder at $9 a milkshake ."

A man down in the tropical islands sent a bird to his father in the States . A week later he called his dad and asked , "Dad , did you get the bird ?" His dad said , "yes , I did ." The son said , "Well , how did you like him ?" The dad said , "I really did like him ; he was delicious ." The son said , "Dad , you surely didn't eat him . He cost me $5000 , and he could speak five languages ." The dad ssaid , "Well , he should have said something ."

My wife is just impossible ; she is always asking for money . Last week she asked for $100 , earlier this week she asked for $200 , and this morning she asked for $300. The friend said , "My , that's a lot of money . What does she do with all of it ?" The husband said , I don't know ; I never give her any ."

When your outgo exceeds your inflow , your over-head becomes your down fall.

Always smile ; it increases your face value .

Keep'Em in Stitches ' Shrinks & Docs'

A woman went to the psychiatrist and told him that her husband had a problem ... he thought he was a refrigerator , "That's not so bad ; that's really a harmless thing ," said the psychiatrist told her . "Well maybe ," said the woman , "but he sleeps with his mouth open and the light keeps mme awake ."

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A lady went to a doctor for a checkup . The doctor asked , "How much do you weigh ?" She said , "115 pounds." She stepped on the scales and weighed 140 pounds . The doctor asked , "How tall are you ?" She said , "5'8" ," He measured her and she was 5'2" . He then said , "Let me check your blood pressure ." He checked and said , "My goodness , your blood pressure is very high ." She replied , "It's no wonder I came in her tall and skinny , and now I'm short and fat ."

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A man said to a psychiatrist , "I have two problems . Number one , I feel like I'm a Pepsi machine ." The psychiatrist said , "No you're not a Pepsi machine ." So they argued back and forth . The psychiatrist said , " What is your number two problem ?" He said , "I'm out of order ."

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************* Hello ! Welcome to the Psychiatrist Hotline ***************

*** If you are obsessive -compulsive , please press 1 repeatedly .

*** If you are co-dependent , please ask someone else to press 2 .

*** If you have multiple personalities , please press 3,4,5,and 6.

*** If you are paraniod / delusional , we know who you are and what you want , so please remain on the line until we can trace your call .

*** If you are schizophrenic , listen closely and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

*** If you are manic-depressive , it doesn't matter whick number you press ... no one will answer .

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The baby was so ugly when he was born , the doctor spanked the mama !

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True story ; Two old men were sitting in the VA clinic . One said to the other , "When I got out of the Army , they gave me a 10% disability for being crazy , and you know , last year the Lord really blessed me . They upped my disability to 50%.

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It's been proven that if you can't take a joke , you will have to take medicine .

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A merry heart does good like a medicine , so when you laugh , it does your heart good . That's why humor is good just for the health of it .

Keep'Em in Stitches ' Blondes Have More Fun'

A farmer and his son came to town , which they hardly ever did except on special occasions . This time they went into the lobby of a fine hotel . They saw two shiny doors open . An old lady , overweight and in a wheelchair , entered the door to a little room . The door closed , and they saw the numbers above the dooway flash on and off all the way up to twwelve where the light stayed on for awhile .
After awhile , they saw the lights flash on and off from twelve back down to number one . When the doors open , a very beautiful londe walked out . Surprised , the two looked at each other , and the dad said to the son , "Go quickly and get your mama."
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One blonde bought a puzzle , stayed up all night and put it together . She thought she was extra smart because she finished it so quickly . The box had written on it : "for 3-5 years."
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A blonde bought an AM radio and had it six months before she knew she could play it at night .
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Did you hear about the blonde mortician ? A woman went to the funeral home and found that the mortician had dressed her deceased husband in a black suit . She told the blonde mortician that she wanted him buried in a blue suit , and gave her a blank check , saying that money was no object . "Buy him the best suit possible ."
She went back the next day to find her husband dressed in the blue suit ; and the blonde mortician gave the woman back her check . When questioned , the mortician said , "The suit will not cost you anything . Another woman brought her husband in dressed in a blue suit and said just to make him look nice ." The woman said , "So you just swapped the suits ?" "No," the blonde mortician said . "I just swapped their heads .
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Another blonde was on the plane in the first-class section when the flight attendent told her that her ticket was for the regular passenger section . She told him , "I'm a blonde , I'm beautiful . I'm going to New York , and I'm not moving .
The flight attendent went and told the captain that the woman would not move , so the Captian said , "I'm married to a blonde ; I'll talk to her ." He went back and whispered something in her ear . Immediately she got up and said , " Why didn't someone tell me this ?"
The flight attendent was amazed at how quickly the woman changed seats , so he asked the captain what had he told her . The Captain said that he told te blonde the first-class section was not going to New York .
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Why did the blonde collect burned out light bulbs ? So she could use them in her darkroom .
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The best sermons are lived ... not preached .
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A fanatic is someone who redoubles his efforts after he's lost his sense of vision .
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Humor is funny business . It'll get them laughing . Then you can hit them in the teeth without bustin' their lips .

Keep'Em in Stitches ' The Good Ole Days'

**********************Things ain't what they use to be ******************

***********************************Remember ****************************

*** Sittin' on the porch .

*** Simon says, "Kick the can."

*** Red light , green light .

*** Penny candy from the corner store .

*** Hopscotch , butterscotch and skates with keys .

*** Jacks , kickball and dodge ball .

*** Mother , may I ?

*** Hula hoops .

*** Coke bottles with the names of cities on the bottom .

*** Catching lightning bugs in a jar .

*** Playing slingshot .

*** Laughing so hard your stomach hurts .

*** When it took five minutes for the TV to warm up .

*** When nobody owned a purebred dog .

*** When a quarter was a decent allowance and another quarter was a huge bonus.

*** When you got your windshield cleaned , oil checked and gas pumped .

*** When they threatened to keep kids back a gradwe if they failed ... and did !

*** When being sent to the principal's office was nothing compared to the fate that awaited a misbehaving student at home .

*** When a '57 Chevy was everyone's dream car to cruise the strip , peel out , lay rubber , or watch submarine races .

*** When people went steady and girls wore a class ring with an inch of dental floss coated with pastel frosted nail polish so that it would fit her finger .

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*** Life is like a roll of toliet paper ... the closer it gets to the end ... the faster it goes .

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*** A day of worry burns more energy that a week's work .

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*** Life is like an ice cream cone . You get it licked on one side , it runs down the other side .

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*** If we will learn to laugh at ourselves , we will find something to make us happy .

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*** Don't suppress laughter ; it will go down inside and spread out your hips .

Keep'Em in Stitches 'Growing Old'

Growing old might not be fun , but it sure can be funny !

"Mature" is great for cheeses and wines , but sometimes it's good to let the kid inside us have some fun .

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Debbie and Phil were sitting in the living room watching the tube when he said to her , "Just so you know , I never want to live in a vegetable state , dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle . If that ever happens , just pull the plug ."

She got up , unplugged the TV , and threw his beer out the window .

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It hurts when you first notice that it had been a while since you was asked for I.D. to purchase alcohol .

Now it hurts because you realize it has been a while since anyone has asked you to show your I.D. to receive the Senior Special Discount .

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A boy goes to spend the night with his grandparents . His grandfather goes to bed early , but his grandmother wants him to stay up and watch a movie with her .

She sends the boy upstairs to put on his pajamas . When the boy comes down , his eyes are as big as saucers .

"I looked in your bedroom on the way down , and now I know why grandpa was so happy to go to sleep early . Boy , the Tooth Fairy is going to be surprise tonight whan she sees what he left her on the nightstand !"

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"Why didn't someone tell me that when you get older , you go through the terrible twos again ? Now I have two chins , two spare tires and two really big ears .

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Four retired guys are walking down a street in Chicago when they turn a corner and see a sign that says , "old Timers' Bar . ALL DRINKS : Ten Cents !"

They looked at eack other , and then went in . The bartender says , "What'll it be gentlemen ?"

It seems to be a fully stocked bar , so the four men each asked for a martini . In short order , the bartender serves up four iced martinis and says , "That'll be ten cents each , please ."

They can't believe their good luck, plucking down four dimes .

Finally , one of the men can't stand it any longer and asks the bartender , "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime each ?"

"Well I always wanted to own a bar . Last year I hit the lottery for $25 million and opened this place . Every drink costs a dime ... wine , liquor , beer , all the same ."

"WOW!! That's something ," says one of the men . The four of them can't help notice three old guys at the end of the bar who don't have drinks and aren't ordering anything .

"What's with them ?"

The bartender says , "Oh , they're seniors up from florida . They are still waiting for half-off happy hour .

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An elderly gentleman is attending a singles mixer at a senior center , and he approaches a woman to speak to her .

At a loss for words , he falls back on what seems to be one of his old standbys : "So tell me , do I come here often ?"

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***********What was that question again ?

An extemerly elderly couple had been dating for over six years . The gentleman finally decided to ask his girlfriend to marry him .

She immediately accepted his proposal .

He went home happy . The next morning , however , he couldn't remember not only her answer , but also whether or not he had actually asked her , Very awkwaed indeed !

He drank almost an entire pot of coffee trying to remember , but it was no use , he would have to call her and ask her outright , as embarassing as it would be .

"Oh , I am glad you called ," she exclaimed . "Iremembered saying 'yes' to someone about something , but I couldn't remember to whom or about what !"

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****************The Sum of Her Parts

Helen went in for a doctor's appointment , and was told she should probably have her knee replaced . The news sent her into a tizzy .

"What do you mean , have my knee replaced ? I've already had both hips repkaced , one knee replace , and a heart valve repkaced . Even my teeth have been replaced . Pretty soon , there will be nothing left of me !

"Anything else you want to replace , doctor , or will this do it ?"

As she got upset , Helen's face got more and more red , and she began to sweat .

"Well, while we're on the subject , we might think about replacing some of those hormones ...."

Keep'Em in Stitches ' Not Getting Any Younger'

****************Old Folks Party Games *************

*** Musical recliners

*** Spin the bottle of Mylanta .

*** Simon says something incoherent .

*** Red rover , red rover , the nurse says bend over .

*** Twenty questions shouted into my good ear .

*** Pin the toupee on th bald guy .

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Boudreaux and Thibodeaux , who was greeters at the local Wal-Mart , was taking a break . Boudreaux said , "Man , this old age is terrible . I ache all over ." Thibodeaux said , "Not me , man , I feel like a newborn baby ... no hair , no teeth , I'm hungrey and I think I just soiled my pants ."

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A ninety-one-year-old man went to his doctor for a check-up . The doctor examined him and sent him home . The next day the doctor was driving to work and saw the man jogging down the street with a beautiful young woman and they was laughing and having a great time . The doctor pulled over to the curb and asked , "Man , what are you doing out here like this ?" The old man said , "Doc , I'm just doing what you told me . You said for me to get a hot mama and be cheerful ." The doc shook his head and replied , "No, no I didn't . I told you that you had a heart murmur and to be careful !"

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******The Benifits Of Growing Older**************

*** Kidnappers ate not interested in you .

*** In a hostage situation , you are likely to be released first .

*** No one expects you to run into a burning building .

*** People call at 9p.m. and ask , "Did you wake up ?"

*** People no longer view you as a hypochondriac .

*** There's nothing left to learn the hard way .

*** Things you buy now won't wear out .

*** You can eat dinner at four o`clock .

*** You enjoy hearing about other people operations .

*** You and your teeth don't sleep together anymore .

*** You can sing along with the elevator music .

*** You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it .

*** You quit trying to hold your stomac h in , no matter who walks in the room .

*** Your investments in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off .

*** Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service .

*** Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size .

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*** Laughter is a fix that will fix the fix you are in or fixin' to be in .

*** Fear knocked , Faith answered , and there was no one there .

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When you are 30 years-old , you worry about what people think about you . When you are 40 years-old , you no longer care what they think . By the time you are 50 , you realize no one was thinking about you in the first place .

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I can tell I am getting older because it takes longer to rest than to get tired !

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I get up in the morning and dust off my wits . I pick up the paper and read the obits . If my name is not there , I know I'm not dead , so I eat a good brealfast and go back to bed .

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You want to know how to prevent sagging ? Just eat until the wrinkles fill out .

Keep'Em in Stitches ' Even Stranger Folk'

There was a crazy man who came knocking at a door at 3: a.m. , waking a couple up . The man of the house went and opened the door . "The man standing on the outside said , "I need a push."

The sleepy man quickly shut the door in his facee abd went back to bed . His wife said , "Honey do you remember the time we needed a push and someone came to help us ?"

Feeling badly , the man got back up and went to the door , but he couldn't see the crazy guy . So he called out , "Where are you ? Are you out here ?" And a man's voice came from a swing out in the yard saying , "I need a push ."

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Two hippies woke up in the hosiptal . One looked at the other and said , "Man , didn't you see that Wall?" The other said , "I saw the wall , but I didn't know I was driving ."

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So far today I've done all right . I haven't gossiped , I haven't lost my temper , I haven't been greedy , grumpy , nasty , selfish or over indulgent . I'm really glad about all that . But in a few mintues , God , I'm going to get out of bed . From then on , I'm probably going to need a lot more help .

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A fellow came up to a man on the street and asked if he wanted to be a Jehov an Witness . The man said , "I didn't even see the accident ."

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A funeral procession was carrying a casket to the grave site for a funeral . When they went around a corner the bac k door came open , the casket came out , slid across the street and through the door of a pharmacy . The lid flew open , and the man sat up and said , "You got something to stop this Coffin ?"

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A woman came up to the checkout counter and asked if she could buy half a head of cabbage because she couldn't afford a whole head . The checkout boy said , "I don't know , I'll go ask the manager ."

Without his knowledge , the woman followed him . He told the manager , "There some idiot up there who wants to buy half a head of cabbage ." Then he noticed the woman was right behind him and said , "And this nice lady wants to buy the other half ."

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A slightly large lady went into a bank in northern Mississippi . At the front was a newfangled scale with a robotic voice that spoke out how much you weigh . This lady got in line behind a man and woman to try it out . When the man got on the scale it said , "One hundred ninety-two pounds ." Next the woman got on and it said , "One hundred twenty-four pounds ," When the large lady stepped on the scale , a voice boomed out , "One at a time please ."

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A new maid came for the first time to clean house . The housewife said , "I can write my name in the dust on the piano ." The maid said , "oh my , it must be wonderful to have an education ."

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The ship captain had worked his way up through the ranks and became successful . One of his young sailors decided to watch him closely and follow him around to learn how he became successful .

After several months of watching , he determined that the captain went to his cabin every morning , got a piece of paper out , read it , and ten went on with his day . One morning the young sailor decided to look and see what was on the paper . It read , "Port is on the left , Starboard on the right ."

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A woman got on the plane with a baby . There was a parrot on the plane that said , "That is the ugliest baby I have ever seen ." The woman was furious .

She was so mad she turned red in the face and grumbled as she sat down next to a man . The man could see she was mad about something because she kept saying that she was going to see the captain .

After awhile , the man said to her , "You go ahead and talk to the captain . I'll hpld your monkey for you ."

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A fanatic is someone who redoubles his effort after he's lost his sense of vision .

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Humor is funny business . It'll get them laughing . Then you can hit them in the teeth without bustin' their lip .

Keep'Em in Stitches ' Love & Marriage'

Two old maids were excited about getting to go on a date . They agreed that when they came down stairs for breakfast the next morning at the boarding house they would say "morning" for every time they was kissed on their date . The first one came in and said , "Good morning." The second one came in all smiles and said , :Good morning , this morning , fine morning this morning , if it is as pretty a morning as it is this morning , it will be a pretty morning in the morning .

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One man told his friend , "My girlfriend takes advantage of me ," The friend asked , "What do you mean ?" He replied , "I asked her out to dinner and she asked me could she bring a date."

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LOVE : A feeling you feel you're going to feel when you have a feeling you haven't had before .

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Husband to wife : "Honey , I can tell you've lost weight ."

Wife : "Yes , I'm finally down to what I should never been up to in the first place ."

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Two men was talking , and one said , "Every once in a while my wife puts on me one of those mudpacks ." The other man replied , "Does it work?" The first man replied , "Only for two or three days , then the mud falls off.

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A wife said : "Honey have you noticed how bald your're getting ?" The Husband replied : I'm not getting bald ; my hair is like waves of the sea ." The wife said , "Yes , but have you notice that the tide is out ?"

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The couple drove to Wal-Mart . When they arrived , their car broke down in the parking lot . The husband told his wife to go on ahead and do her shopping , and he'd fix the car .

She returned later to find a small group near the car . She observed a pair of legs sticking out from under the car and realized what was going on . Her husband was wearing shorts because it was a very hot day .

She was embarrassed for him and knew he would he also , so she stepped forward . Being modest , she tried to cover him up and tuck everything bac k in place .

Some disturbance caused her to leap to her feet , and she found herself looking right at her standing across the parking lot , watching everything . The mac hanic , however , had to have three stitches in his head .

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The best way to stay hitch is to have good horse sense , stable thinking and a bridle on your tongue .

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Marriage : An investment that pays you dividends if you pay interest .

Keep'Em in Stitches ' Down On The Farm'

A farmer held up his pig to get apples off the tree. His friend said , "Look at the time you'd save if you just shook the tree ." The farmer said , "OH man, what's time to a hog?"

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A chicken passed a car going down the road , ran off , and left the car . The man decided to follow it to the farmhouse . At the house , the man asked the farmer why the chicken had three legs . The farmer said , "They are bred that way because of the drumsticks ." The man asked if the chicken's drumsticks taste good , and the farmer said , "We don't kmow , we haven't been able to catch one yet ."

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The farmer has a rooster that was so lazy he'd wait until all the other roosters crowed , then he would just nod his head in agreement .

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A farmer went to a horse auction to buy a horse . The horse trader said , "I have just the right one for you , it's three years-old , in good health and goes ten miles without stopping ." The farmer said , "Well I can't use him . I only live eight miles from town , and with that horse I'll have to walk bac k two miles ."

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A farmer was leading his mule to town . His friend stopped and asked him if he wanted a ride . And he said , "Sure , muy mule will follow ; he knows the way to town ." So the farmer go in the truck , and the mule began to follow . They sped up to 30 miles an hour , and the mule was right behind them . They sped up to 50 miles an hour , and the mule kept right up .

When they got up to 70 mles an hour , the friend looked into the rearview mirror . The mule was right there in the bac k of the truck with his eyes bulging and his tongue hanging out . The man said , "I can't believe it . He's still right behind us !"

The farmer asked , "Which side is his tongue hanging out on ?" The friend replied , "The left side ." Then the farmer said , "Keep in this lane ... he's going to pass !"

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A farmer and his son was in the field plowing , and a neighbor came by and said , "You need to send that boy to school and get him an education ." So the farmer sent his son off to college . After he graduated , he was right back out in the field plowing .

The neighbor came by and said , "I thought you sent that boy to school . What's he doing out there plowing ? What good did college do ?" The farmer bragged , "You just listen to him talk to the mule when he gets to the end of the row . Before he went off to school , he would say , 'Whoa and get up ! ' Now when he gets to the end of the row , he says , 'Halt , pivot to the left , and proceed forward !"

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A farmer went to an attorney and said he wanted one of them divorces .

Attorney : "Do you have grounds ?"

Farmer : "Yup , I got 30 acres ."

Attorney : "No , that's not what I mean. I mean do you have a case ."

Farmer : "Nope , I got a John Deere . That's what I farm the 30 acers with ."

Attorney : "No , you don't understand me . Do you want to bring suit ? Have you got a grudge ?"

Farmer : "Well , I got a suit at home in the closet ; and as for a grudge , that's where I keep my John Deere."

Attorney : "Oh , we're not communicating at all . Let's talk about your wife for a minute . Do you beat her up ?"

Farmer : "Nope, she gets up about 6:30 , about the same time I do ."

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The city boy went to the country and asked , Uncle George , how long cows should be milked ? Uncle George said , "The same as the short ones ."

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The farmer was working full speed ahead building a fence when his neighbor asked him why he was in such a hurry . He said , "I'm trying to get through before I run out of nails ."

Keep'Em in Stitches 'Public Servants'

A lady called the fire station and said that her house was on fire . The fire chief asked , "How do we get there ?" She said , "Don't y'all stil have those little red fire trucks ?

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A man staggered out of a bar and out to the street . He was walking with one foot on the curb and the other foot on the street when a policeman saw him , tapped him on the shoulder , and said , "You'll have to come with me ... you are drunk ." The man looked at him and said , "Thank God . I thought I was crippled ."

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A redneck sheriff stopped by a boy in a car on the back roads and told him to roll down his window and show him his driver's license . He asked the boy where he was from , and the boy said , "Chicago." The sheriff looked at the driver's licence and said , "What are you doing with this Illinois driver's licence , boy?"

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A state trooper was driving along a mountain road and saw an Indian lying with his ear to the ground . He heard him saying , "Chevy pickup , large tires , green and man driving with large German Shepherd in Passenger seat . Loaded with firewood , Ca lifornia licence plate 1-896-PUC." The trooper asked , "You mean you can tell all that by listening to the ground?" "No," the Indian said . "The truck just ran over me ."

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A woman was about to have a baby . The time came and the husband called 911. The dispatcher tried to calm him down ; she asked him , "Is this her first child ?" He said , "No , i'm her husband ."

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A man found a monkey loose on the street . He picked him up , put him in his truck , and started down the street . A cop saw him and said , "Man , you ought to take him to the zoo ." So the next day he was driving and the cop saw him again , "I thought you was gonna take hom to the zoo ." The man said , "I did and we had so much fun that today we're going to the fair ."

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A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short on time and couldn't find a space with a meter . Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read : I'll have c ircled the block ten times . If I don't park here , I'll miss my appointment . Forgive us our trespasses ."

*** When he returned , he found a citation from a police officer along with this note , "I've circled this block for ten years . If I don't give you a ticket , I'll lose my job . Lead us not into temptation."

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Two elderly people were pulled over by a policeman who demanded the husband's driver's licence . The officer asked the man , "Do you know how fast you was going ? What's your destination ?"

*** The husband gave him his licence and said , "We're going to Ruston , Louisiana ."

The trooper said , "I knew a woman there who was so ugly , she could make a train go down a dirt road ."

*** The wife said , "Who could not hear very well , asked , "What did he say ?" The husband replied , "He said he thinks he knows you ."

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A man found a body in New Orleans and called 911 . The operator asked , "Where are you ?" The man said , I am on Thopatulas Street ." She said , "Spell that for me ."

The man thought for a moment and then said , "Can't I just drag him over to Oak Street and then you can pick him up from there ?"

Keep'Em in Stitches ' Strange Church Folks'

A mennonite man was milking his cow when the cow hauled off and kicked him . He looked the cow right in the eye and said , " Thou knowest that I can't cuss thee ; thou knowest I can't hit or kick thee ; but if thou kickest me one more time , I shall sell thee to a Bapist , and he shall kick the devil out of you."

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The drought was so bad that the Baptists started to sprinkle , the Methodists are using a damp wash cloth, and the Presbyterians was giving rain checks .

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A man was going to Rome and wanted to meet the Pope . A friend said , "Tell him some jokes ." He met the Pope and asked him if he had heard about two Polacks . The Pope said , "Wait a minute, I'm Polish ." The man said , "That's all right . If you don't catch it the first time , I'll tell it again."

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Three boys were bragging about their fathers . The first boy said , "My daddy scribbled a few words on a piece of paper , and they called it a poem and gave him $50." The second boy said , "That's nothing ; my dad scribbled a few words on a piece of paper , and they called it a song and gave him $100." The third boy said , "I got you both beat . My dad scribbled some words on a piece of paper , and he called it a sermon . It took eight people to collect all the money .

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A father was approached by his small son after Sunday School class , who told him proudly , "I know what the bible means !" His father smiled and replied , "Okay , what does the bible mean ?" The son said , "That's easy , Daddy , it stands for Basic Information Before Leaving Earth ."

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A very gracious woman was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country . "Is there anything breakable in here ?" asked the postal clerk . "Only the Ten Commandments ," answer the woman .

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A grandfather was walking through his yard when he heard his granddaughter repeating the alphabet in a tone of voice that sounded like a prayer . He asked her what was she doing . The little girl explained , "I'm praying , but I can't think of exactly the right words . So I'm just saying all the letters , and God will put them together for me because He knows what I'm thinking .

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The minister was preoccupied with throughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money that he needed for repairs to the church building . He was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick , and a substitute wanted to know what to play . "Here's a copy of the service ," he said impatiently , "but you'll have to think of something to play after I make the annoncement about the finances ."

During the service , the minister paused and said , "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty ; the roof repairs cost trice as much as we expected , and we need $4,000 more . Any of you who can pledge $100 or more , please stand up ." At that moment , the substitute organist played , "The Star Spangled Banner ." That is how the substitute became the regualar organist.

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The Southern Ten Commandments

1) Y'all shalt always remember your manners .

2) Y'all shalt make no fuss over yourself .

3) Y'all shalt not sass your mama .

4) Y'all shalt always wonder what your daddy would think .

5) Y'all shalt always talk the way you growed up .

6) Y'all shalt tell no whoppers unless you are in a situation where you're expected to.

7) Y'all shalt demonstrate your great faith by the way you drive .

8) Y'all shalt always clean your plate .

9) Y'all shalt hold kinfolk in high regard , regardless of what you really think of 'em.

10) Y'all shalt always remember where you came from .

Keep'Em in Stitches "Rednecks & Good Ole Boys"

An old fellow was being interviewed on a radio program . He was asked what was the greatest invention ever invented .

"Well , I think the car was the greatest thing that amn ever came up with . You used to have to walk or ride a mule everywhere you went."

The next fellow was asked the same question .

He said , "The airplane is the greatest invention because you can get on it and go all over the world nowadays."

The next old country fellow was asked the same question .

And he said , "The thermos bottle was the greatest thing that was ever made.

The interviewer asked why he thought that .

And the old boy replied , "Well you can put something in it one morning hot , and it will keep hot all day . Then the next day you can put something in it cold , and it will keep cold all day .

Then the interviewer said , "What's so special about that ?"

He said , "How does the thermos know ?"

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The country boy got a job in the city . He thought group insurance meant the whole group had to get sick before you could collect .

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A duck hunter had a dog that he was very proud of , so he asked his neighbor to come over for a demonstration . He would shoot a duck , and the dog would walk across the water and bring back the duck . He did this several times , and the neighbor didn't seem to be impressed at all . He said , "That dog can't swim , can he ?"

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A man in town was very slow ; you might say his elevator didn't go all the way to the top floor . The town council felt sorry for him and gave him the job of shining the cannon that was down at the square . He worked hard at it for a number of months . Then he came in one day and said I quit .

The council said , "We thought you were doing a good job ."

He replied , "Yes , I been workin' hard and savin' my money . I finally decided to buy my own cannon and go into business for myself ."

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Two factory owners were in the office talking about the stupid men they had working for them . One said , "I'll show you just how stupid some of them are ." He called one of his men to the office , gave him a quarter and told him to go and buy him a new cadillac .

The worker took the quarter and went outside . The other owner said , That's nothing compared to one of my men ." So he called his man to the office and told him to go down to the bowling alley and see if he was there .

So that worker went outside and started talking with the first worker . The first worker said , "My boss is so stupid , he gave me this quarter and told me to go but him a new Cadillac . He knew all the time I couldn't drive ."

The other one said , "That's nothing . My boss told me to go down to the bowlimg alley to see if he's down there , and all he would have to do is pick up the phone and call down there to see for himself .

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Leroy : "What are you doing ?"

Darrell : "I'm writing a letter to a friend ."

Leroy : Don't try to fool me . You can't write ."

Darrell : "That's all right . He can't read either ."

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While driving in Pennsylvania , a family caught up with an Amish carriage . The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor . Attached to the back of the carriage was a hand painted sign that read , "Energy efficient vehicle : runs on oats and grass . Caution : Do not step in exhaust ."

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An optimist is one who takes a frying pan on a fishing trip .

If you want someone to laugh at your jokes , tell them they have a good sense of humor .

If Satan knocks on your door , ask Jesus if He will get the door for you ... Satan will run like Hell .

Keep'Em in Stitches ' Doctors'

A new patient confided to a psychiatrist , "I'd better tell you before we begin ... I suffer from marked suicidal tendencies ."
"Very interesting ," nodded the psychiatrist , with his best professional nod of the head . "Under the circumstances then , I'm quite sure you wouldn't mind paying the bill in advance ."

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A man has a flat tire while driving down a desolate road in the middle of a dark and stormy night . After he gets out of the car , he curses in the rain and realizes he has stopped right next to a tall wire fence bearing a sign that reads Insane Asylum .
Though initially nervous , the man becomes really afraid when he notices that a light is on in one of the windows of the dark building and that someone is watching him . With shaking hands he begins to jack up the car and remove the tire , all the while looking behind his shoulder nervously, in a flash of lightening .. he sees a lone figure in pajamas and a bathrobe making his way toward him .
After a moment of tense , horrible silence , the lunatic says , "What's the problem , mister?" Stuttering with fright , the man burbles out , "Well I ... I got a flat tire and I ... lost all my hex nuts and now I can't even get the spare tire on ."
The lunatic answers , "Why don't you just take one hex nut from the other three tires ? That'll get you to the next town at least ." Surprised by the lunatic's apparent clarity , the man asks , "How'd you think of that ?" The lunatic answers , "Hey , I may br crazy , but I ain't stupid ."

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It's time for you to retire from Psychiatry when ...
1) You diagnose your pets with various mental conditions , making notes like , "Fluffy is exhibiting signs of denial."
2) You began to dream about treating imaginary patients , and when you're awake , you occasionally forget they're not real .
3) You start paying your own colleagues to have sessions with them .
4) You begin to wonder how you would treat easily angered fictional characters in a novel you're reading if you had them in an anger management setting.

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Patient : .... Doc , I have a morbid fear of thunder .
Psychiatrist :... That's silly . You shouldn't be afraid of a thing like thunder . Why don't you just think of it as a drum roll from heaven ?
Patient :... Will that cure me ?
Psychiatrist : ... Well , if it doesn't , do what I did : Stuff cotton in your ears , crawl under the bed , and sing "If You're Happy and You Know It."

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Wife : ... My husband thinks he's a refrigerator .
Psychiatrist : ... I wouldn't worry as long as he's not violent .
Wife : ... Oh , the delusion doesn't bother me . But when he sleeps with his mouth open , the little light keeps me awake .

Keep'Em in Stitches ' Preachers'

One preacher had a bicycle , rode it down the street , and saw a boy with a lawn mower .The preacher said , "I need a lawn mower , and you need a bicycle ... why don't we swap ?" So they did . Later the boy was riding down the street , saw the preacher pulling on the mower , and he couldn't get it to start . The boy said , "If you'll cuss it , it'll crank ." The preac her said , "Son , I'm a preacher . I forgot how to cuss a long time ago ." The boy said , "Just keep pulling , and it'll come back to you ."
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The pastor was preaching his last sermon at a church , and afterward he was at the door greeting everyone . "I'm so sorry we're losing you." The preacher said, "That's all right ; they'll send you a good one nex t time ." The little lady replied , "Oh , they won't either . That's what they said the last time ."
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The blonde laughed out loud one Sunday as the preacher was speaking . Afterward the preacher asked her what she was laughing about . She said , "Well , I usually start telling myself jokes to keep me awake while you preach . This morning I heard one that I had never heard before ."
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A preacher was to speak on tithing the following Sunday , so he came down early in the week and ran some wires down the pews attached to three buttons on the pulpit . When he go up to preach he said , "If you want to give 10 percent stand up ." Then he pushed the first button , and the people on the first three rows jumped to their feet .
Next he said , "If you want to give 20 percent , stand up . "He pushed the second button , and the people on the next two rows jumped up .
Finally he said , "If you want to give 30 percent , stand up . "He pushed the third button , and the two people on the next two rows jumped up .
After the service , two deacons were found electrocuted on the back row .
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Pointing his finger at the congregation , the preacher said , "All you hypocrites who are snuff dippers , pipe smokers , liars and drunkards , I hope your tongue sticks to the roooooooof of your mouth.
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A preacher , a lawyer and a doctor went deer hunting together . They got into the woods and all of a sudden , a big buck came right across in front of them . They all shot and the deer went down . When they got to the deer , they began to argue about who had killed it .
About that time , a game warden came up and said , "I'll examine the deer and settle this argument ." After looking closely at the carcass he said , "The preacher shot the deer." They began to question him about how he could tell . He said , "Because the bullet went in one ear and out the other.
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A Mississippi man decided to visited mega churches across the country . He visisted on that had a pay phone in the lobby with a sign that said , "Direct Line to God ... $25,000." He made his way back to Mississippi and saw a phone in the lobby with a sign that said , "Direct Line to God ... 35 cents , "He asked the pastor why the amount was so small . The pastor replied , "From here , it's a local call."
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There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation , "I have good news and bad news . The good news is we have enough money to pay for our new building program . The bad news is it's still out there in your pockets ."