Keep'Em in Stitches ' Down On The Farm'

A farmer held up his pig to get apples off the tree. His friend said , "Look at the time you'd save if you just shook the tree ." The farmer said , "OH man, what's time to a hog?"

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A chicken passed a car going down the road , ran off , and left the car . The man decided to follow it to the farmhouse . At the house , the man asked the farmer why the chicken had three legs . The farmer said , "They are bred that way because of the drumsticks ." The man asked if the chicken's drumsticks taste good , and the farmer said , "We don't kmow , we haven't been able to catch one yet ."

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The farmer has a rooster that was so lazy he'd wait until all the other roosters crowed , then he would just nod his head in agreement .

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A farmer went to a horse auction to buy a horse . The horse trader said , "I have just the right one for you , it's three years-old , in good health and goes ten miles without stopping ." The farmer said , "Well I can't use him . I only live eight miles from town , and with that horse I'll have to walk bac k two miles ."

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A farmer was leading his mule to town . His friend stopped and asked him if he wanted a ride . And he said , "Sure , muy mule will follow ; he knows the way to town ." So the farmer go in the truck , and the mule began to follow . They sped up to 30 miles an hour , and the mule was right behind them . They sped up to 50 miles an hour , and the mule kept right up .

When they got up to 70 mles an hour , the friend looked into the rearview mirror . The mule was right there in the bac k of the truck with his eyes bulging and his tongue hanging out . The man said , "I can't believe it . He's still right behind us !"

The farmer asked , "Which side is his tongue hanging out on ?" The friend replied , "The left side ." Then the farmer said , "Keep in this lane ... he's going to pass !"

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A farmer and his son was in the field plowing , and a neighbor came by and said , "You need to send that boy to school and get him an education ." So the farmer sent his son off to college . After he graduated , he was right back out in the field plowing .

The neighbor came by and said , "I thought you sent that boy to school . What's he doing out there plowing ? What good did college do ?" The farmer bragged , "You just listen to him talk to the mule when he gets to the end of the row . Before he went off to school , he would say , 'Whoa and get up ! ' Now when he gets to the end of the row , he says , 'Halt , pivot to the left , and proceed forward !"

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A farmer went to an attorney and said he wanted one of them divorces .

Attorney : "Do you have grounds ?"

Farmer : "Yup , I got 30 acres ."

Attorney : "No , that's not what I mean. I mean do you have a case ."

Farmer : "Nope , I got a John Deere . That's what I farm the 30 acers with ."

Attorney : "No , you don't understand me . Do you want to bring suit ? Have you got a grudge ?"

Farmer : "Well , I got a suit at home in the closet ; and as for a grudge , that's where I keep my John Deere."

Attorney : "Oh , we're not communicating at all . Let's talk about your wife for a minute . Do you beat her up ?"

Farmer : "Nope, she gets up about 6:30 , about the same time I do ."

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The city boy went to the country and asked , Uncle George , how long cows should be milked ? Uncle George said , "The same as the short ones ."

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The farmer was working full speed ahead building a fence when his neighbor asked him why he was in such a hurry . He said , "I'm trying to get through before I run out of nails ."