Keep'Em in Stitches ' Strange Church Folks'

A mennonite man was milking his cow when the cow hauled off and kicked him . He looked the cow right in the eye and said , " Thou knowest that I can't cuss thee ; thou knowest I can't hit or kick thee ; but if thou kickest me one more time , I shall sell thee to a Bapist , and he shall kick the devil out of you."

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The drought was so bad that the Baptists started to sprinkle , the Methodists are using a damp wash cloth, and the Presbyterians was giving rain checks .

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A man was going to Rome and wanted to meet the Pope . A friend said , "Tell him some jokes ." He met the Pope and asked him if he had heard about two Polacks . The Pope said , "Wait a minute, I'm Polish ." The man said , "That's all right . If you don't catch it the first time , I'll tell it again."

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Three boys were bragging about their fathers . The first boy said , "My daddy scribbled a few words on a piece of paper , and they called it a poem and gave him $50." The second boy said , "That's nothing ; my dad scribbled a few words on a piece of paper , and they called it a song and gave him $100." The third boy said , "I got you both beat . My dad scribbled some words on a piece of paper , and he called it a sermon . It took eight people to collect all the money .

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A father was approached by his small son after Sunday School class , who told him proudly , "I know what the bible means !" His father smiled and replied , "Okay , what does the bible mean ?" The son said , "That's easy , Daddy , it stands for Basic Information Before Leaving Earth ."

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A very gracious woman was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country . "Is there anything breakable in here ?" asked the postal clerk . "Only the Ten Commandments ," answer the woman .

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A grandfather was walking through his yard when he heard his granddaughter repeating the alphabet in a tone of voice that sounded like a prayer . He asked her what was she doing . The little girl explained , "I'm praying , but I can't think of exactly the right words . So I'm just saying all the letters , and God will put them together for me because He knows what I'm thinking .

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The minister was preoccupied with throughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money that he needed for repairs to the church building . He was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick , and a substitute wanted to know what to play . "Here's a copy of the service ," he said impatiently , "but you'll have to think of something to play after I make the annoncement about the finances ."

During the service , the minister paused and said , "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty ; the roof repairs cost trice as much as we expected , and we need $4,000 more . Any of you who can pledge $100 or more , please stand up ." At that moment , the substitute organist played , "The Star Spangled Banner ." That is how the substitute became the regualar organist.

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The Southern Ten Commandments

1) Y'all shalt always remember your manners .

2) Y'all shalt make no fuss over yourself .

3) Y'all shalt not sass your mama .

4) Y'all shalt always wonder what your daddy would think .

5) Y'all shalt always talk the way you growed up .

6) Y'all shalt tell no whoppers unless you are in a situation where you're expected to.

7) Y'all shalt demonstrate your great faith by the way you drive .

8) Y'all shalt always clean your plate .

9) Y'all shalt hold kinfolk in high regard , regardless of what you really think of 'em.

10) Y'all shalt always remember where you came from .