Keep'Em in Stitches ' Preachers'

One preacher had a bicycle , rode it down the street , and saw a boy with a lawn mower .The preacher said , "I need a lawn mower , and you need a bicycle ... why don't we swap ?" So they did . Later the boy was riding down the street , saw the preacher pulling on the mower , and he couldn't get it to start . The boy said , "If you'll cuss it , it'll crank ." The preac her said , "Son , I'm a preacher . I forgot how to cuss a long time ago ." The boy said , "Just keep pulling , and it'll come back to you ."
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The pastor was preaching his last sermon at a church , and afterward he was at the door greeting everyone . "I'm so sorry we're losing you." The preacher said, "That's all right ; they'll send you a good one nex t time ." The little lady replied , "Oh , they won't either . That's what they said the last time ."
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The blonde laughed out loud one Sunday as the preacher was speaking . Afterward the preacher asked her what she was laughing about . She said , "Well , I usually start telling myself jokes to keep me awake while you preach . This morning I heard one that I had never heard before ."
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A preacher was to speak on tithing the following Sunday , so he came down early in the week and ran some wires down the pews attached to three buttons on the pulpit . When he go up to preach he said , "If you want to give 10 percent stand up ." Then he pushed the first button , and the people on the first three rows jumped to their feet .
Next he said , "If you want to give 20 percent , stand up . "He pushed the second button , and the people on the next two rows jumped up .
Finally he said , "If you want to give 30 percent , stand up . "He pushed the third button , and the two people on the next two rows jumped up .
After the service , two deacons were found electrocuted on the back row .
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Pointing his finger at the congregation , the preacher said , "All you hypocrites who are snuff dippers , pipe smokers , liars and drunkards , I hope your tongue sticks to the roooooooof of your mouth.
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A preacher , a lawyer and a doctor went deer hunting together . They got into the woods and all of a sudden , a big buck came right across in front of them . They all shot and the deer went down . When they got to the deer , they began to argue about who had killed it .
About that time , a game warden came up and said , "I'll examine the deer and settle this argument ." After looking closely at the carcass he said , "The preacher shot the deer." They began to question him about how he could tell . He said , "Because the bullet went in one ear and out the other.
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A Mississippi man decided to visited mega churches across the country . He visisted on that had a pay phone in the lobby with a sign that said , "Direct Line to God ... $25,000." He made his way back to Mississippi and saw a phone in the lobby with a sign that said , "Direct Line to God ... 35 cents , "He asked the pastor why the amount was so small . The pastor replied , "From here , it's a local call."
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There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation , "I have good news and bad news . The good news is we have enough money to pay for our new building program . The bad news is it's still out there in your pockets ."