Keep'Em in Stitches ' Doctors'

A new patient confided to a psychiatrist , "I'd better tell you before we begin ... I suffer from marked suicidal tendencies ."
"Very interesting ," nodded the psychiatrist , with his best professional nod of the head . "Under the circumstances then , I'm quite sure you wouldn't mind paying the bill in advance ."

**********************************************************************

A man has a flat tire while driving down a desolate road in the middle of a dark and stormy night . After he gets out of the car , he curses in the rain and realizes he has stopped right next to a tall wire fence bearing a sign that reads Insane Asylum .
Though initially nervous , the man becomes really afraid when he notices that a light is on in one of the windows of the dark building and that someone is watching him . With shaking hands he begins to jack up the car and remove the tire , all the while looking behind his shoulder nervously, in a flash of lightening .. he sees a lone figure in pajamas and a bathrobe making his way toward him .
After a moment of tense , horrible silence , the lunatic says , "What's the problem , mister?" Stuttering with fright , the man burbles out , "Well I ... I got a flat tire and I ... lost all my hex nuts and now I can't even get the spare tire on ."
The lunatic answers , "Why don't you just take one hex nut from the other three tires ? That'll get you to the next town at least ." Surprised by the lunatic's apparent clarity , the man asks , "How'd you think of that ?" The lunatic answers , "Hey , I may br crazy , but I ain't stupid ."

******************************************************************

It's time for you to retire from Psychiatry when ...
1) You diagnose your pets with various mental conditions , making notes like , "Fluffy is exhibiting signs of denial."
2) You began to dream about treating imaginary patients , and when you're awake , you occasionally forget they're not real .
3) You start paying your own colleagues to have sessions with them .
4) You begin to wonder how you would treat easily angered fictional characters in a novel you're reading if you had them in an anger management setting.

**************************************************************

Patient : .... Doc , I have a morbid fear of thunder .
Psychiatrist :... That's silly . You shouldn't be afraid of a thing like thunder . Why don't you just think of it as a drum roll from heaven ?
Patient :... Will that cure me ?
Psychiatrist : ... Well , if it doesn't , do what I did : Stuff cotton in your ears , crawl under the bed , and sing "If You're Happy and You Know It."

**************************************************************

Wife : ... My husband thinks he's a refrigerator .
Psychiatrist : ... I wouldn't worry as long as he's not violent .
Wife : ... Oh , the delusion doesn't bother me . But when he sleeps with his mouth open , the little light keeps me awake .