HeHeHeHe

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

A doctor accidentally prescribes his patient a laxative instead of a coughing syrup.
Three days later the patient comes for a check-up and the doctor asks: “Well? Are you still coughing?”
The patient replies: …. “No. I’m too scared to.” 

 An old grandma brings a bus driver a bag of peanuts every day.
At first the bus driver enjoyed the peanuts but after a week of eating them he said: "Please granny, don't bring me peanuts anymore. Have them yourself.".
The granny answers: "You know, I don't have teeth anymore. I just like sucking the chocolate off them."

Doctor: “I’ve found a great new drug that can help you with your sleeping problem.”
Patient: “Great, how often do I have to take it?”
Doctor: “Every two hours.”

A woman comes home late in the night and goes quietly in the bedroom.
To her surprise, she sees male and female feet peeking out from under the blanket.
Shocked and raging, she gets her baseball bat and beats and beats until all movement stops.
After that she goes into the living room and sees her husband laying on the sofa. He turns to her half asleep: "Oh, you're home, darling. I'm afraid we have to sleep here tonight, my parents came for a surprise visit."

Big woman: Mirror, Mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all? 
Mirror: “Please move aside. I can’t see anything.”

I was sitting in a bar one day and two really large women came in, talking in an interesting accent.
So I said, “Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?”
One of them snarled at me, “It’s Wales,  jerk!”
So I corrected myself, “Oh, right, so are you two whales from Ireland?”
That’s about as far as I remember.

I can’t believe I forgot to go to the gym today. That’s 7 years in a row now.

The inventor of AutoCorrect is a stupid mass shole. He can just fake orf.

Wife calls her mother: "Today I fought so much with my husband. I am coming to live with you again.
Mother: No. He should pay for being a jerk. I'm coming to live with you.

I was making you some Russian tea... But I can't get the teabag out of the vodka bottle.

So much has changed since my girlfriend told me we’re having a baby. For instance my name, address and telephone number!

Yesterday I learnt that 20 piranhas can strip all flesh off a man within 15 minutes. - Unfortunately, I also lost my job at the local swimming pool.

Doctor says to his patient: "You have cancer and Alzheimers."
 Patient: "At least I don't have cancer."

Question: Why did the cow cross the road?
Answer: To go to the mooovies.

A man noticed his credit card has been stolen - but he didn't report it because the thief was spending a lot less than his wife.

Today I went to a barber’s shop for a shave. The barber asked me to put a small wooden ball in my mouth so he could get a closer shave around my cheeks.
I asked: “But what if I swallow the ball?”
He replied: “No problem sir, you just bring it back tomorrow like everybody else.”